Perfectionism

I was reading a blog belonging to a "real-life" friend of mine this morning.  She shared how she had been feeling the burden of perfectionism, how the results of trying to be perfect at everything were wearing her down and causing her to feel manipulated, used, and abused. Later, she shared how she came to the realization that she's got to let go of the perfectionism and just do her best to share her talents and love in ways that she is comfortable with.  She realized its not her fault if her gifts are not received in the way she had hoped.  It got me thinking again about the topic of perfectionism.

Perfectionism is kind of a tricky subject isn't it?  Matthew 5:48 says "Be ye therefore Perfect...even as your Father who is in Heaven is Perfect."  It seems simple, straight forward, be perfect!  But I think we often lose sight of what kind of perfection our Father in Heaven enjoys.  Its not the perfection of a low BMI, an excellently decorated home, the best two toned highlights, or the children who behave exceptionally in all public venues. (Don't you think this is one area where Heavenly Father can TOTALLY identify with us? I mean, He's PERFECT and even HE has naughty kids!)  I think we forget to read the versus that come just prior to that commandment to be perfect...I believe those verses give us the REAL instruction: To be perfect in our love.

We actually can be perfect in our love.  Its not easy, but we can do it.  A portion of verse 46 of the same chapter asks "For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?"  an interesting question, don't you think?  I take this as a challenge to grow, to reach outside my comfort zone, to show love for those who don't think like me, act like me, talk like me, or behave like me.  Its an interesting challenge to love those who may or may not love us back, but in accepting the challenge, we can let go of our ideals of perfectionism and truly obey the commandment to "Be ye therefore Perfect".  The perfection lays not in how our gifts are received,  but rather, in how we give our gifts.


Happy Sunday.  Go out and show some love for somebody, don't worry about the paint on your ceiling *wink*.

Brass-bands, Break-beats, and Belly Dancing

You all know I have this thing about following rules. It keeps me safe, it makes me feel comfortable, etc. But I realized there is one area of my life that is alot more interesting when people break rules. MUSIC.

Music can be so much more delightful when one dares to experiment. Combining unexpected instruments, styles, backgrounds, even just taking a chord and making it run all over the peice can make music so much more than it started out to be.

I have to admit, this may be one area where I NEVER preferred rules. That may reflect on my upbringing where it was just as likely that we were listening to Vivaldi as it was the Vapors.

When we moved to the midwest, I found myself in a musical wasteland where my options were country, country, or classic rock. I kind of got used to that, I got past the point of frustration, straight to the point of not caring. We moved back out west and found an "alternative" station which is just about as "alternative" as wearing a trench-coat and combat boots in high-school while you grow your hair long and wear black eye-liner. (as in...not as different as it pretends to be).

Here and there I've found online a few gems that make me smile. For just a moment I can walk outside of this life of mine that would probably best be described by an outsider as -well...lets just substitute the word "Boring" (not that I'm bored! I'm NOT and I'm very happy, we're using an outsider's terms here) kind of life and get lost in another realm where its ok to combine brass-bands with break-beats and bellydancing. And if Lily want's to do "Robot Ballerina" alongside me, that makes me all the happier.

Update

I think its time for a little update on my word of wisdom experiment.

Its been about 6 weeks since I gave up caffeine and started cutting down the meat and upping the fruits and veggies in each meal.

So far, I've lost between 6 and 8 lbs, no where near what I need to lose total, but I'm feeling much better.

Some things I've noticed as a result of giving up the Diet Pepsi.

-my sugar cravings have all but disappeared.

It used to be that most nights, if not all, I was dying to have a cookie, a brownie, a peice of candy, anything sweet and sugary. A couple of nights this week I had some ice-cream, but it felt like a choice, not a need. As ridiculous as it is, before--it felt like a NEED. I had read somewhere that imitation sweeteners heighten your craving for sugar, and I have to say...TOTALLY BELIEVE IT!

-the first two weeks of giving up the Diet Soda was EASY.

-After that...NOT EASY.

apparently I really was addicted to the stuff because I have to make a conscious choice not to partake. There are days that seem like they would just go better if I had a big DP...but I've not had one, and I feel good about that. The benefits of not having it seem to outwiegh the temporary "Feel Good" feeling of having it.

-My appetite has shrunk BIG TIME.

I'm not kidding. Ever since giving up the Diet Soda my appetite has all but disappeared. I knew that caffeine is a stimulant, and also knew that these past few years I have eaten more per day than I ever ate before. I felt confused by it because I always felt hungry! My hunger is now normalized to the way it was the majority of my life. 3 squares a day covers it for me. Rarely am I snacking. ( I'm still a little confused about the whole healthy-snacking thing. I know its suppsed to boost my metabolism, but in my experience it just makes me fat).

So now I've discovered these things and I've also been making some other changes. Meal time is back to 3 squares. The majority of the population was not fat back when the country's understanding of a healthy meal was "SQUARE"...admittedly , our "square" meal is usually substituting an extra veggie or fruit for what would be starch in a traditional square meal, but we sometimes go ahead and do the bread, rice, or potato. Dessert is more often than not cottage cheese with fruit, served at the table with the meal. In actuality, I've been trying to return to meal plans which are closer to what I grew up with as a small child which were simple, easy to prepare, and healthy. I'm enjoying the uncomplicated meals both as the preparer and the consumer. We have enough other things in life that are complicated. Why does meal time need to be complicated too? And...in actuality, simplifying meals has really helped shift my mind from "what sounds good tonight" (which lets face it, what sounds good is rarely a healthy choice) to a focus thats based more on "we need to eat, what can I prepare to give us some energy." Sometimes its a bean burrito, sometimes its a green salad with meat and cheese. Sometimes (only very rarely) its a bowl of cereal.

Writting this out has made me realize that the changes are a little more drastic than I had thought. So, I guess I'm a little disappointed that 6-8 lbs is all I've dropped in this time, but I've still been spending too much time on my butt...but that will be changing too the 3rd week of August when I start teaching Tae Kwon Do two days a week, plus my own regular training two days a week. I think I'll start to see a difference.

P.S. if you're in the Phoenix Metro area, especially the East Valley, and you think you'd like to try your hand at martial arts, come try a free class. If you join the organization in the Month of July, 20 dollars or your enrollment fee will be donated to ACT now, an Arizona Children's Charity focused on serving the families of autistic children.

experience vs $

I dream pretty vividly. I've also recieved instruction to pay close attention to my dreams, to consider their meanings, and to use them to guide me in decision making. The other night, I woke from a fitful dream. Initially I felt disturbed, and a little confused, but by morning, I had much of its meaning ( so far as I can interpret for myself) worked out in my head.

I dreamed that I went to the bank to make a withdrawal of all I had, which I knew wasn't much, perhaps just a few hundred dollars, but I wanted every dime. I emptied my account. The teller gave me my currency, and I stepped away to a nearby counter to count my withdrawal. As I counted, I realized that a large portion of my cash had been replaced with felt letters (as if from a letterman's jacket), boy scout badges, military service medals and awards, important documents, and personal letters, written on lined paper, folded in three. I thumbed through them, trying to understand why my stack of cash included these items of purely sentimental value. I was confused as to their origin. I knew they weren't mine...I never lettered in anything, was a boy-scout, or served in the military afterall, yet the teller insisted that they were indeed mine and that I should take them. I screamed at her that these things are not money, why on earth did she accept these into her cash drawer, didn't she know she would be fired for first accepting these items in lieu of cash, and secondly trying to distribute them to me as part of my withdrawal from my savings account? Was she an idiot? What could I do with these things? And yet, as I held them in my hands, thumbed through the many dusty layers, and appreciated their musty smell, I knew they were special. I knew somebody had worked hard to earn them. I knew I was dishonoring these tokens of dedication and perserverance by arguing that they were valueless and that the teller was wrong to give them to me. Nonetheless, I was angry that the teller refused to see things my way and insisted I take these momentos of somebody else's life and leave without the money I came for.

With one last "You're an idiot and you will be fired for this!" I woke.

As I said before, by morning I had this worked out in my head. If there was any question in my mind as to its meaning, typing it out and remembering the dream again has confirmed for me its meaning. The message for me was that no amount of money can replace experiences; that worthy pursuits are more valuable than a few measly dollars.

What I haven't worked out exactly, and I'm not sure it matters entirely, is whether the items belonged to my husband ( who has earned all of the afore-mentioned items), or my son, who is only six and has yet to even be a cub-scout let alone decorated military man. Perhaps this detail is meant to be ambiguous, because either interpretation has meaning to me. In the case that these items belonged to my husband, my message is that it doesn't matter what our net-worth is, my husband's service to the Lord, our country, and our community is more important, and that I should appreciate and acknowledge his experience as part of our heavenly currency. (Bricks in our Mansion?) Alternatively, if these items were to belong to my son, my message is that if I place earning money ahead of mothering, in the end I will not be wealthy, and I won't know the grown man who was once my little boy, nor appreciate his acheivements. Either interpretation weighs heavily on my mind at this time.

Coincidentally, I've felt much at a crossroads as I've become dissappointed in my work environment. I've attempted to locate other work to no avail. I've had some positive feedback, just no offers, and I've begun to seriously consider the possibility of coming back home to be full-time wife and homemaker. I know we're not supposed to ask for signs...and I haven't...but is it ok to see signs in events that have happened without your asking? If I put things in order as I see them, ( disgruntled at work, no offers of other work, moved into home that JP can successfully sleep days in without interuption from us, had it pointed out to us that our tax witholdings were too high, a change resulted in a monthly increase larger than my current income-by a couple hundred dollars, a family resolve to become debt free through better financial discipline, and an aching desire to return to homemaking routines and creative outlets, not to mention an awareness of some illegal things happening at work--which I felt pressure to lie about two days ago) I feel that 2+2 here ='s QUIT YOUR JOB, EXPERIENCES are worth more than a few hundred dollars!

JP has left this decision up to me. I think I've just made my decision. I wonder if he'll be dissappointed, or relieved?

Inspector Javert

I've never read the famed Les Miserables, but I did watch the movie! LOL--only just a few days ago, and I must admit, I am ashamed that I've never read this book, I believe it would be a worthwhile undertaking.

Something has been bothering me since viewing this show. I've found, that I have lived my life more like the Inspector Javert, than not. I love rules, I thrive when there are rules to be followed. I despise those who believe they can break rules and that they can do so without consequence. I may not be quick to forgive rule-breakers. And yet, in Les Miserables, the Inspector ultimately commits suicide when he realizes that he's made another man's life miserable, in the name of upholding justice. He commits suicide when he realizes that justice requires that he break a rule. This is not a life I want to live.

So, I find myself in a quandary. I know somebody who is breaking major rules. Really big rules, rules for which there could be severe consequences. However, nobody has been hurt, in fact this person's actions, while technically having been illegal when performed, have enhanced the lives of many. In light of the rule breaking, it would be easy to say that there has been more good done than harm. But the rule. Its a big one! And should it be found out, it could seriously jeapardize his ability to earn a living for a period of time.

A part of me thinks he should be exposed-he is breaking rules.
The other part of me thinks, "Don't be an Inspector Javert" no harm has been done.
Yet another part of me thinks it may be a favor to him to force him to set what is wrong, right.

And so, I am at a crossroads. I don't want to be Inspector Javert. But its killing me to stand by and do nothing when I have first hand knowledge that rules are being broken...even though nobody is being hurt.

How do you handle these kinds of things? Are you the type to look the other way? Does looking the other way ever equal turning the cheek? Are they similair? Is this personality trait that requires me to expect rule following from those around me crippling to my salvation? Or is it a result of my beliefs about salvation? Does looking away make me party to the offense? Or does it make me a forgiving and understanding person? (or maybe just a big fat enabler!) Does an illegal act require the hurting of somebody in order to compell me to report it? Or is it the potential for the rule breaker to hurt himself and his family, albeit unintentionally, by not following the rules precisely, the impotus for reporting? What would I expect as a result of my reporting? Do I want him to be troubled by the law? Do I want him to protect his family? Do I want him to pay fines? Do I simply want him to follow rules because it makes ME comfortable?These are my questions.

More Holiness Give Me

This is a talk I gave at a Young Women's Standards Night a couple of years back. I think its content is appropriate for this blog.

Ladies, I am here tonight to discuss something very important with you. Its something that I hope will make a difference in some way. I want to talk a little bit about fear. Sometimes we are afraid that obedience to the laws of God ( or to the "Rules of the Church" or to "Young Women's Standards") will result in the loss of our personal identity. We fear that obedience will relegate us to a life of social solitude, voicelessness, and powerlessness. You might even go so far as to imagine a dull, passionless marriage, indentured servitude to callings and a life without any color or excitement.

It is very important that you understand that this fear is totally unfounded, and comes from Satan himself. Indulging in this fear reaps no reward. In fact, indulging this fear automatically results in a life of guilt, shame, and bitter disappointment, as you wonder, why isn't my life getting any better? In fact, indulgence to this way of thinking is the REAL culprit of powerlessness. The fear that obedience will result in loss is quite possibly the most effective tool Satan has to keep us from becoming active participants in our own personal progression.

We must let go of this fear. We must decide for ourselves what our identity will be. If we do not decide who we will be, and how we will become that person, we will live life in a series of one crisis following another until at the end we are bitter, hateful, unforgiving and totally without self worth. This is no way to live.

We must put aside this fear and plan now who we will be tomorrow. This applies to all aspects of our lives, not just spiritual. Whether you plan to become a Doctor or a homemaker, there are things you must do to prepare yourself for that future. The same is true for your spiritual identity.

In the case of becoming a Doctor, you must learn good study habits, develop respect for peers, learn to really listen to others, and develop a desire to help. You must put aside prejudices and become capable of treating all people you will encounter in a fair and respectable way. You must believe you can do it,

If you want to be a homemaker, you must learn the habits of keeping a clean home, and how to provide healthy meals. You must learn to budget, repair, replace and use two arms as if they were eight. It is vital that you believe you can do it.

In the case of spiritual identity, the best version of you is the most suitable choice. You must practice being the things the Best Version of You is. Perhaps that version of you is just a little kinder than you are now. Maybe she's really diligent about praying. She might be an avid scripture reader. She may journal, she may share her thoughts with friends and family. Maybe she's just really good at showing up and participating in meetings. In any case, the most important part of becoming the Best Version of You, is believing you can do it.

President Howard W. Hunter said "Lets move forward, Lets move forward, lets not take council of our fears." I love this quote, in fact, I have it hanging on my refrigerator as a constant reminder to put aside fears I know to be tools of Satan, and obstacles to my spiritual development. I use this quote to remind me to be an active participant in my own Personal Progression.

Our Personal Progression is entirely dependant on the choices that we make. We may not feel that we make many choices that matter at this point in our lives, but the truth is the choices you make- and the choices you don't make- matter. They add up, they begin to take form, and soon those actions and absences of action have become the mold for who you will be. And if by chance you don't like who you have become, there is no need to worry, that mold is not permanent. It can be changed, reworked, totally rebuilt if necessary. It's entirely up to you. But let me warn you. A mold that has become well developed is difficult to change. It requires diligence, dedication, and a real desire for change. And so, I plead with you tonight to create a vision of yourself that YOU can live with and decide which steps will be necessary for you to complete in order to become that woman you desire to be.

I understand that this may seem a daunting task. Here's the thing, I am not asking you to become that woman now. You might even say, that what I am asking you tonight is to carefully avoid becoming a woman you never meant to be. Becoming somebody that you didn't intend to become will leave you empty, confused, and downright unsuccessful. This happens because of a lack of planning, and a lack of active participation in our own lives. It happens as a result of not facing the reality that our inactions have as great an impact on our lives as our actions. When we watch the world go by, and avoid making commitments, whether to our families, or Father in Heaven, or our selves, we lose. What do we lose? Mostly opportunity…opportunity to gain vital information, skills, and friendships that may lead you directly to the woman you actually wanted to be. Wouldn't it be a shame, if you were to look back on your life and be able to see with 20/20 vision, the opportunities you had wasted because you feared making a commitment to the people that would change your life?

Commitment is a funny thing. It leads to some interesting habits. When somebody is fully committed to a cause, they are almost insatiable in their desire to learn information, practice skills, and share their excitement with others. These practices almost always result in tremendous success. The wonderful thing is this success can range from being totally temporal, to totally spiritual, it depends solely on the commitment you have made and the habits you have developed as a result of that commitment.

Now, we are here tonight specifically to talk about standards. So I will ask you tonight to make a commitment to yourself to live the Young Women's Standards. Not because I asked you to, not because Sis Sweeney, or Sis Cohen, or Sis Buckles, or anybody else asked you to, but because you can recognize that holding back and avoiding making the commitment is a poor way to proceed.